WELCOME TO HELL

Let me introduce myself, I am Kenton Hill, Curator of the Dis Cultural and Historical Museum. Santayana Chair of Torture History at the Universijte Di Dis. Chief Historian to the Office of the Torturer General. In this official capacity I have been tapped to give you the living a look inside what arriving in hell will be like since a staggering 99.97% of all the living human beings have come here after the termination of their life on Terra. To date 61, 704 humans have died and not have their souls sent here for recorporealisation. We cannot say with any measure of certainty where these human beings have gone but we have an idea that it involves harps and alot of hymn singing. One hundred eighty nine human beings went there in the entirety of the 20th Century and three of them were Popes of the Universal Catholic Church. But let us deal with the average Joe and Jane so to speak.


Every minute on Terra 107 people die. By quirk of Fate, the landing zone for human beings in over the blood red Callugo Sea a body of water thrre times larger than the Caspian Sea (457,000 sq mi) shaped roughly like the state of New Jersey. The Callugo Sea is bordered by Hades to the West and the Shadow Desert of Rham-nejd to the east. Fifteen hundred miles from the coastal lands of the Shadow Desert lies Serratoth Island a rocky crag about two and a half times the size of Delaware and shaped like a peach pit. In the Callugo Sea waiting for the splashdown of new entrants to Hell is the Flotilla of the Hellac Empire. Their soul purpose under the direction of Fleet Admiral "Justice" John Porter (1689-1734)is to not lose the new entrants to the billions of ravenous creatures that make the Callugo their feeding ground. Without going into much gory detail, which would be a violation of Hellac Imperial Law, the Callugo is prowled foremost by Leviathan which breaks the surface for air four times in a 2200 day Hellac year. Next on the food chain are shark like sentient creatures known as the Geleheshtarane. These will eat anything and do especially desire human flesh. The remains are the various bony three and four eyed fish not to exclude the massive brainfish which can weigh as much as 5000 pounds but are relatively docile. And of course swimming in the bloody Callugo Sea are the brainless children of humans, fetuses in fetu, and all results of abortions seeking a bite of the flesh that caused their demise with newly grown razor sharp teeth. I have seen a pack of these shredded infants tear a brainfish to ribbons and sprays of rheumy life giving fluids in a matter of fifteen seconds. Well I guess that covers that.

So now you know the where let's deal with the how.







From a height of 400 feet or so you awaken after death stark naked as the day you are born and you are falling through reddish brown and orange clouds. If it wasn't so terrifying most people would think the descent was quite a beautiful experience. From my own very vivid experience it is difficult to breathe during this period making the fifteen second descent feel like forever. And just as you think the horror of your death has been a lie and this is your true death you break the hot wet surface of the Callugo Sea and feel the first bites of unseen teeth. At that moment a strong hand or hands are around your shoulders and you are hauled aboard a vessel of sometype. In my case I was brought aboard a three masted corvette though others may be hauled upon a brigantine and some even in longboats.



Now you are coughing up the foul red waters that had filled your mouth and nose and you scramble for any handhold you can find on the slick deck. you hear voices that make no sense at first but then the water rushes from your ears and you hear in your own language of Terra the first thing that rings with any definition. "You are now a citizen of the United Hellac Empire with all due right accorded therof until the determination of your crimes weighing upon your own immortal soul and your complicity, or that of your forbears in the cause of suffering of others. Welcome to Hell."

At that point someone or something has come to you with water and a towel and they have run a box across your forehead to find out who you are, what you or your generations blood related have done and where you need to be taken. There is much good news for this person we are tracking whom we now know is Janice Pettibon who died just this morning in the United States after battling an aggressive form of carcinoma. Janice, 39 was not resucitated at 0400h CST in her own home where she chose to come three days ago to die. Ms. Pettibon is survived by three girls and a husband all of which feel she is no longer suffering. They are right for like most people who come here Janice is not an evil or generally sinful person she just was not up to the nearly impossible standards of the Other Place. She is alert and like everyone else who comes to Hell she is terrified.



Her first contact will be with the Officer of the Watch who using a handheld computer documents every arrival and explains in very brief detail where they will be going. "Serratoth Island processing center is next for you. There are no generational liens against your soul and you will be free to depart the island after processing." the tall thin woman walks away and explain to the next person standing on the deck. Some very ill fitting and scratchy clothes are passed out and Janice dons the brown pants and hospital type scrub shirt also shit brown. She is given a cup of cool water again and instructed to walk single file to the boat where the green arrow is flashing over it. She sees it in the dark distance and complies.


Our new arrival soon finds herself whisked across the sea toward Serratoth Island. the boat docks after a twenty minute ride and the 100 or so souls aboard disembark. Janice is given a rucksack with better fitting clothes, two pairs of sandals, red cotton pants seven pairs, seven pairs of boxer shorts, one bar of soap, seven tee shirts, a comb, a brush and a self saturating toothbrush. Her boat's occupants are herded into a room and shown a film that lasts for seventeen minutes explaining what has happened to them in much greater detail. As is expected half of the people there vomit up their water and gag much of the remainder begin to cry. Janice is weeping. Two demons trying to not look as menacing as they are open the doors and with soothing voices urge the arrivals to follw them toward the Central Processing area. Here they fill out forms and are given their first and only handout of money in Hell, a golden aureus.

An aureus will generally pay for a year's worth of rent for a one bedroom apartment in any major city in Hell. Janice Pettibon is then sent to a room that is full of computer portals. Here she is told that she can lookup anyone she knows that has died so that she might connect to family or friends that could help her get a start on her afterlife. Janice types in the name of her maternal grandmother Lynn Heddings and finds that the woman is living in a place called Sheol one of the many city states in the Hellac Empire. The computer terminal explains to janice in a female voice that the next platform for Sheol departs in thirty minutes from Platform A-16-North and the cost is 15 denarii, or about 4% of the money she has. The terminal also prompts her to deposit the coin in a slot and receive a banking key, a thin sliver of feldspar with a chip embedded in it. This key is your ID, ATM card, public transport multipass, phonecard, voter card, and passport all in one. It is the only thing in Hell that is impossible to use as it is tied to your retinal prints, fingerprints and brain wave patterns. Janice laughs for the first time in Hell when she drops the index finger sized key and it floats back to her hand.

She gets a negagraph printout of directs to the platform and directions to her grandmother's apartment shoulders her ruck wiping the tears from her cheeks and sets out with three dozen other newly adjusted arrivals.


Tomorrow: Janice's first full day of wonder and amazement in Hell.

Kenton Hill, Order of the Quartz Heart (Eng.)
Santayana Chair of Torture History at the Universijte Di Dis
Chief Historian to the Office of the Torturer General
166 Low Lux Negro 1 AS